Regret in my life

Back home today...
Playing with my childhood toy...
I've been playing it for more than 18 years...
I thought it's like riding a bicycle,
once you knew, forever you know...
but today it seemed to be new to me...
Playing Bach's Prelude VI,
Used to be my piece..
I remembered the melody, but every note I played sounded so strange to me...
They were not under my complete control anymore...
Suddenly a surge of grief from my deep heart...

When my hands went slack, a pencil would struck right on my knuckles
"Play like a spider", that's what my teacher would yell at me...
Sometimes she even knocked my head, "did you practice at home?"
I grinned and answered, "no"
Then I guess you know what will happen next right?
Yeah, another thump on my head...haha...
But I knew that she did all these for my own good...
And she always did...
She always said to me, "I'm seeing you growing up since you were four, you are just like my son"
you know, when she said so, I really felt being pampered and I did enjoy that moment...

Even though I started playing piano since four,
I didn't play well...
because I was forced to learn that time...
that's why I didn't even bother to practice at home...
and you must be thinking that I might have failed my practical exam, right?
I thought so too every time after the exam...
When the result's out, she was always trying to scare me
"Do you think you can pass this time..."
"Erm...Dunno"
"Nah, I also dunno why...why you can be so lucky passing your exam every time..."
Haha..
but I don't know why too, simply good luck I think...

Until Grade 6...
Not everyday is Sunday...
I failed my Grade 6 Theory...
and I knew that I'd disappointed her...
and yeah, I had to resit the exam again in the following year...

One day, my teacher called to my mum's handphone, saying wanna talk to me..
"You have to treat me KFC oredi"
"Why?" I said (not that I'm kedekut, just that let me know at least the reason)
"I also can't believe this, my husband said that got one student got distinction in the exam..."
(yeah, I know...the person always wasn't me)
"and to my surprise, it's you, you know? I was so happy..."
I still could remember her happy voice on the phone...she was so much excited
as if her son had won a prize...
Yeah...I was excited too of course...
and you know what, I was even awarded Hedy King Robinson Prize as well...
she would have been proud of me...hehe

Then onwards, I started appreciating music, learning what music is..
And music indeed has been one of my major parts in my life...

Since 1991, I had been spending my time there at her house once every week...
untill 2005 when I went to KL to study...
Then in the same year itself, May or June, I came back for Form 6...
Then I went visit her and she asked if I still wanted to continue playing piano...
She suggested that maybe I could go for diploma...so I took up the challenge of course...

So going to her house once every week had become my routine again...
But then, one thing had changed.
Why she was wearing a bucket hat?
I didn't really go bother at that time...
As time's passing by, her hair was getting looser and lesser...
I dared not to ask...
Until after a couple of weeks, she told me that she would not teach piano anymore..
"Why?"I asked
"Because teacher's having cancer, I need to take more rest" she said peacefully
At that time, I really didn't know how I was supposed to respond...
I just, "umm..."
Not even a word of care..

After undergoing a series of chemotherapies, I was told that she had become better...
but I didn't how better she would be...
Her hair grew again, she was not as skinny as before...
and I thought everything would go just fine...

Life's always unexpected.
In early of 2006, her mother passed away...

After some weeks, I received a call again...
no more good news this time...
her sister called my mum. I didn't answer the call but my mum..
After the conversation ended, my mum told me in sorrow
"Teacher'd passed away. Later we go and pay our last respect."

You know, it's hard to believe...
A person who had been teaching you, scolding you, whacking you, pampering you since you were small was no longer here anymore, forever...
I was really really really really sad
but I didn't shed a tear...

In her funeral, I looked at her photo...
looking at a familiar face, but knowing that I would not see her again soon...
I really wanted to cry out, crying aloud...
but still I didn't do so in front of people...
Everytime the tear was about to drop, I just took a deep breath and swallowed it back to my stomach...
It is simply so hard not to cry when you are really in deep bereavement...
I was and am still so regretful...
Why I didn't show to her that I do really care for her...
perhaps just simply two words - "Take care"
and now I never ever have a chance to talk to her anymore...

Take care, teacher
If you can see this, I really wanna tell you that
I do really miss you...

My teacher, Ms. Kueenie Wu